Artemis Fowl: The Idiotic Short Stories
by xMetallicBooger
Summary: Chapter 13 is now up! Artemis goes to the Carnival. Inspired by a true story. Sort of. Part 2 coming soon. R&R, Please.
1. How Arty Eats a Reese's Cup

How Artemis Fowl Eats a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup

Some of you might remember a while back when they'd show commercials on television showing how different types of people or celebrities ate a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. Sometimes they could be entertaining, sometimes they were downright stupid. This will probably fall under the latter category, so be warned.

It was a fine, sunny day around mid-springtime, the sort of day perfect for playing outside. So, of course, Artemis Fowl II was hiding away in his room with the curtains drawn, his fingers tapping away at the keys of his laptop as he devised a most evil plan with the sole purpose of obtaining fabulous riches.

He glanced at the clock in the bottom right-hand corner of the computer screen, and decided it was about time for lunch. He strolled down to the kitchen, and sat down without saying anything, expecting to be fed.

Artemis cleared his throat loudly. As though by magic, a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup fell from the sky. Artemis didn't care much for sweets, but food was food and it didn't look as though he was about to get anything decent to eat.

He tore open the wrapper, and was about to bite into it when Butler burst into the kitchen.

"Artemis, no! It could be poisoned!" He seized the glorious nugget of peanut butter coated in smooth, delicious milk chocolate and stuffed the whole thing into his mouth. He chewed thoughtfully for a minute or two, then spat it into his hand.

Artemis was speechless for a moment, and then he cried, "Butler, what is the meaning of this?"

"Oh…Right." Butler said, and he pulled a sandwich out of his pocket and handed it to Artemis. He then walked off, tittering most uncharacteristically.


	2. Butler and Grub have Sex ! EXPLICIT !

**Butler and Grub Have Sex WARNING: EXPLICIT**

Ew…What's wrong with you? Why would you want to read this?

Now, you may be asking, "Why would I want to _write_ this?"

The truth is, I don't. This chapter is really just one big Author's Note. Sorry if I got your hopes up.

I'm finding it very hard to come up with new ideas. If you have any ideas for new chapters, either for this one or my Harry Potter story, please feel free to email them to me or put them in a review. If I like your idea enough, I'll gladly give you credit (and if I don't, it's probably because I forgot, so feel free to complain and I'll gladly fix it) and use it for a new chapter. Don't feel bad if I don't use your idea or if I don't use it right away, because I can only write when I'm really inspired.

I'd love to write every day, but sadly, I'm just not that creative. That is why I made this chapter. Plus, I love hearing people's ideas.

Just so you know:

I don't do romance. I don't do sweet little kisses or explicit sex scenes. Romance is the one category I won't touch. If I do anything else, it's always humorous (or at least, it's meant to be) in some way.

I don't do original characters, and I try to stay away from crossovers. Parodies maybe, but not often.

I'm not too good at keeping things dead serious. If you haven't noticed that by now.

You don't have to give me the entire outline of your idea for a story, especially since that wouldn't really make it my story. Usually just a title or a vague idea will work, and I'll do the rest. But don't expect my stories to be exactly as you thought they'd be, because I can be pretty random.


	3. Attack of the Evil Strawberries

**Evil Strawberries that Work for the Mafia and want to Kill Artemis**

**I've been rather negligent with the disclaimer lately. I don't think anyone should NEED a disclaimer on this site because it's all fanfiction. All original fiction can be found on fictionpress . net, I believe. It should be obvious that I am not Eoin Colfer, I do not own Artemis or any related characters, and this is all a load of B.S.**

**I got this idea from Weirdo Gal. It's probably the most random idea in the history of fanfiction, even more random than something I could think of, but for now it's the only idea I've got. Don't forget, if you've got any more ideas that I may use, feel free to send them or put them in a review, and I'll give you credit in some way similar to this.**

In a dark and dusty corner at the far end of the supermarket, there was a small cart stacked high with fresh strawberries and a sign baring the words "Ma Fia's Good Ol' Fashioned Country Strawberries."

On this particular day, Artemis had decided to accompany Butler to the store, simply because he felt he had nothing better to do and he was tired of being harassed by fairies.

Butler had warned him to stay away from the strawberries in the corner, because his Magical Bodyguard Sensors had told him that the strawberries had some sort of evil aura surrounding them.

Artemis dismissed this as total blarney, and just to piss Butler off, he decided to go over to the strawberry cart and study them. Perhaps he could somehow use this evil aura to steal a few thousand pounds of gold. He stared at the countless red berries, all lined up like a tiny crimson army heading off to war.

Suddenly, the strawberries began to twitch, all of their own accord. Artemis took a step back. Without a warning, the strawberries all leapt at Artemis, and began to attack him. Sure, it didn't really hurt, but it did sting a bit.

"Arrrrrrrrgh!" was all Artemis managed to cry as the strawberries covered his body and muffled his speech.

"Butler looked up, and he instinctively charged at the strawberries, and with a flying leap, he dived into the strawberry and Artemis pile, pulling Artemis out of the way and crushing the strawberries with his body.

A sales clerk, alerted by the noise, came running to the fruit section, and found a young boy lying unconscious near the bananas, and the biggest, scariest looking man he had ever seen rolling about in a pile of squished strawberries.

Though he was frightened by the sheer size of the man, he knew he'd be sacked if he didn't do something about the situation.

"Er..Excuse me…Erm…Sir? I'm gonna have to ask you to..er…please leave…" He said timidly.

Butler looked up. He saw a pimply-faced teenager staring down at him, looking very nervous. He looked down. He saw a mess of squishy red goo.

Butler said nothing, but cleared his throat loudly, collected Artemis from the floor, and left.


	4. The Time it Rained Mushrooms

**Artemis Fowl and the Time it Rained Mushrooms**

**I don't own Artemis Fowl or any of his delightful little friends, and unless I one day become an eccentric bajillionaire, I probably never will.**

**I got the idea from ****Google Snook. This might be even more random than the last one. It's gonna be hella short, I know that. And you guys better review. I mean it. I'm sick and if you don't review I'll cough on you. Come on… If you really loved me, you'd review…**

**And by the way, for those of you who didn't read Chapter 2, it's not as dirty as it sounds. Really.**

Holly Short, Mulch Diggums, and for some unapparent reason, Grub Kelp were all standing around a nice convenient oak tree, not far from Fowl Manor. They had come to visit Artemis, just because that was the right and proper thing to do among friends.

Well, Grub had actually just come along to look at the pretty stars so he could tell Mommy about them. Now there was something Trouble couldn't do. Or maybe he could. But if he could, he hadn't done it yet so it was still kind of like being better than him, which was good enough for Grub..

Nobody had told him that Butler would be there.

Artemis and Butler were taking a very long time. Mulch was getting bored, and decided to have some fun with Grub.

"Hey, remember that time you single-handedly defeated the Almighty Butler?" Mulch said casually. Grub nodded proudly, and was about to launch into the 'How I single-handedly defeated the Almighty Butler' speech for the thousandth time, and fortunately Mulch cut him off before he could start.

"Yeah…Well, you kinda pissed him off. So he's been in training ever since then, and I hear he's twice the size he was before. And he'll be here tonight. He's coming for you."

"What?" squealed Grub, as he scrambled up the tree like a rabid baboon. Mulch and Holly simultaneously raised an eyebrow, and Grub said, "I…er…I mean… I'm not scared or anything. I just wanna…surprise him…Yeah…Surprise him…"

"Good luck with that," Holly muttered, half-smiling as she saw the Artemis-and-Butler-shaped outlines making their way toward the tree.

"Oh Gods…" Squeaked Grub from the tree branch. He trembled so much that the branch started to shake.

"Hello, everyone," Artemis said as he and his manservant strolled over to the tree. He looked at the sky. It seemed odd. "Hmm…the sky seems rather…"

And it was at that moment that thousands upon thousands of mushrooms rained from the sky.

"What the _hell_?" Holly wondered aloud.

"We're all gonna die!" Grub screamed as he fell from the tree.

"It appears to be raining fungi," said Artemis.

"Wow…That's really _gay_!" Mulch exclaimed.

And with that, they all ran around in circles, screaming in terror. With the exception of Grub and Artemis. Grub had passed out and was now halfway buried in mushrooms. As for Artemis, he just rode on Butler's shoulders. Running was _so_ below him.


	5. Arty Goes Emo

**Artemis Fowl Goes Emo**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just have too much free time.**

**Author's Note: Not sure why the hell I'm writing this, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.**

Artemis sat at his computer desk, his pale face illuminated by the bright monitor.

Both his mother and Butler had mentioned more times than one that he should make some friends his own age, and he decided he might as well start small and work his way up, so he decided to try to find a chatroom. He knew very well most of the people would probably be in their late 40's and only interested in kidnapping and raping him, but it was worth a try anyway. The problem was, most of his time online was spent researching and he hadn't the slightest idea of where to find a chatroom.

But, being the genius that he was, an idea came to him: Google.

Arty typed in 'chat', clicked the search button, and up came 458,750,384,738,475,067,847,604,768 results. And that was just with safesearch on.

Artemis groaned. Already he did not like this, and he hadn't been very excited in the first place. He decided to click the first link, and it took him to a website with many more links. Our little evil genius was in a most 'fowl' (OH GOD, IT'S A PUN!) mood and he decided they were only doing this to make things more complicated. Bastards.

He clicked the teen chat link, and it took him to a page with 3 main sections. One was a conversation in progress, another was a list of screennames, and the last was a place to type messages. Artemis glared at the screen, wishing he could be doing something fun, like writing psychological analyses under a fake name to submit to various publishers or researching fairies and ways to make money. But no. He was here, chatting with various people, who were all presumably far below his preferred I.Q. He took a deep sigh and typed "Hello."

As soon as he hit the enter key, he wished he hadn't. All 17 people in the chat room immediately bombarded him with various ungrammatical gibberish that Artemis assumed were forms of greetings.

"Ugh," Artemis groaned for the second time in as many minutes. "Er…What's up?" he typed, trying to think of what it was normal teenagers used as a greeting.

"bein EMO!1!1111!" One of the chatters replied.

Emo? What was this emo? Artemis had never heard of such a word. He assumed it must be slang.

"What is 'emo'?" Artemis typed.

"uhm lyke DUHHH!1!" the person replied. "luk it up or sumfin!111'

"Alright, I shall do that." And with that, Artemis closed the chat window, taking but a second to reflect on how much better that could have gone. But, he had his whole life ahead of him and very little of it involved interaction with other people.

So, back to Google Arty went, and he typed in what he wanted to know. He spent the whole rest of the night researching.

**Author's Note: So far so good, but this next part, I know I'm going to hate.**

The next day, Butler was alarmed by some rather odd sound coming from Artemis's room. It was music, or at least he assumed it was, but it was, in a word, absolutely horrid. Or two words. Whatever. At any rate, it was not the usual classical sort that was usually heard. He burst through the door with a gun at the ready, because, you can never be too sure when your employer is one of the greatest villains of modern times.

What he found was not a particularly dangerous situation, but it was still scary and rather confusing. Artemis had attempted to cut his own hair, and it was just…Very ugly. Part was longish and hanging in his face and the rest was short and spiky. He appeared to have pilfered (I love that word) a pair of Juliet's tightest jeans and one of her shirts, and he'd somehow obtained some rather hideous accessories and a pair of skater shoes.

"Artemis! What's going on here!"

"Oh, Butler. You really must catch up with the times. I've adopted a horrible wardrobe and even worse music in order to fit in with people my own age. I believe this is what is called "Emo," which is short for emotional, and if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the loo to cry and slash my wrists and mope about the tragedy that is life in general. Good bye."

And with that, Arty swept from the room, and Butler considered retiring to Florida with a llama farm and a lifetime supply of granola bars. Watching over a teenage boy like this was really all too stressful.

**Good LORD, that sucked. Review please. And don't be too hard on me D**

**Author's note again: This is all horribly inaccurate and very, _very _stupid.**


	6. BONUS MINIFIC

**Bonus Mini-Fic!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, I just have too much free time.**

**Special Thanks to versacexprada for the idea.**

**Why a Mini-Fic? Well, I've seen many people (skilled, unskilled, and semi-skilled writers) attempt to do the whole 'Artemis and/or other characters switch bodies/genders' and it ALWAYS turns out horrible or just plain mediocre, and for someone such as myself to attempt this, well…That'd be what we here in the good ol' U.S. of A. (HA!) call "Suicide." But thanks, I appreciate it, and I always try to go with ideas, unless I just have no idea what the idea-giver is talking about. For instance, someone once suggested that I do a Fantastic 4 Harry Potter parody, but since I've never read the comics or seen the movie, I just couldn't have done it, though I would have liked to. But anyway, here goes nothin':**

Artemis Fowl awoke one day to discover that something was amiss. Being the left-brainer that he was, before attempting to physically discover why he felt so funky-ish, he tried to think first.

_Hmmm…_Thought Arty. _Something doesn't feel right. My chest feels heavier than usual, my hair appears to be longer, and I feel strangely empty…Down below. Conclusion: Juliet has played some sort of cruel joke on me._

Artemis was about to climb out of bed and get to the bottom of this, but as he was attempting to do so, he glanced toward the mirror and squealed like a little girl.

"Who are you? Why are you in my room?" He cried, trying to cover himself, though he was wearing pajamas that covered almost everything.

But something wasn't right. He paused. He walked over to the mirror and scrutinized the reflection staring back at him.

"BUTLER!" He shouted. "I APPEAR TO HAVE BREASTS…AND A VAGINA! WHAT'S GOING ON?"

A strange, burly-looking woman Artemis had never seen before ambled into the room, but upon further examination, he realized it was Butler.

"Artemis, if this is some kind of weird experiment of yours, just tell me. I won't get mad, but I would like to know what the _hell_ is going on here!"

It must have been Butler's time of the month.

"No, Butler, I have had nothing to do with this, but it seems we've become women overnight."

"…Really, Artemis? I wouldn't have noticed if you hadn't just told me."

"No need to get angry, Butler. I have an idea."

"What idea might this be?"

"Let's knit pot-holders!"

"Are you insane?"

"No, but I am a woman and I have an _insane _urge to knit something."

"Ok, works for me."

And off they skipped, hand in burly-woman hand, to knit pot-holders.

**Review, please! .**


	7. The Great Caveman Astronaut Debate

**Artemis Fowl: The Great A****stronaut and Cavemen Debate**

**Special thanks to Surrealshadows for the idea.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, I just have too much free time.**

One lovely spring day in Ireland, a certain boy genius named Artemis Fowl was wandering about his enormous mansion for the sheer helluvit, when he found himself in the kitchen, except it was not his kitchen. His kitchen was clean and orderly. This kitchen (which Artemis only assumed was a kitchen, though it was difficult to tell now) was strewn with bit of food and muck and all sorts of icky things.

In the midst of all the mess and chaos was none other than the infamous Mulch Diggums, flatulent dwarf and pick-pocket extraordinaire.

_Ah. That explains so much, _Thought Artemis.

"Excuse me, Mr. Diggums. What exactly is it that you think you are doing in what used to be my kitchen?"

"Well, I stopped by to visit and most likely annoy you, and no one was around, so I thought I'd help myself to a snack."

"Ah. And to what do I owe this…pleasure?"

"Hey, can a dwarf not stop by to see his friend once in a while?"

Artemis could feel a headache coming on.

"Ugh. Alright then."

Artemis led Mulch to the sitting room, which was probably only one of a few, but this was the one with the least amount of breakable objects.

"Hey, Arty…"

Artemis flinched at Mulch using his mother's petname for him.

"Yes…Mulchy?"

"If an astronaut and a caveman got in a fight, who would win?"

"…Why?"

"I dunno, I thought you were supposed to be some sort of teenage mastermind. And that question's been bugging me for a long time."

"Well, I don't know, I suppose the…Well…" Artemis was used to having answers to such trivial questions come to him automatically, but this one stumped him completely.

"Er…Butler!" He called.

Not but a few seconds later, Butler rushed in.

"Yes?"

"If an astronaut and a caveman got in a fight, who would win?"

"…Why?"

"Answer the question please, Butler."

In all Butler's years of extensive training, he'd never been prepared for this. But then again, Artemis was usually the one answering questions.

"I'm…not sure. Do the astronauts have weapons?"

"Well, surely they must have some sort of weapon. The caveman would presumably have a pointed stick or fire or something. But there's no oxygen in space, so the fire couldn't possibly stay lit."

"Would they be in space or on the ground?"

"Actually, astronauts wouldn't have been around in caveman times, nor would cavemen be around now."

"Good point. Why are we discussing this?"

"I don't know, Butler, but this is really starting to bother me. I need to know."

Mulch had long ago wandered off to see what he could pilfer before slipping out the back door.

"What could an astronaut use as a weapon?"

"Butler, do I look like an astronaut? That should be such an obvious question, but I find myself at a loss…"

After a long pause, Artemis said, "Screw it, let's just get high."

"Ok."

**Wow, that was a crappy ending. I was intending to write another one tonight, but I'll have to put it off until later tonight or tomorrow. If I don't post it soon, you guys will have to nudge me VIA REVIEW –winkwink- slightly.**


	8. The Time Grub Beat Trouble

**The Time Grub Beat Trouble…Almost.**

**(Shocking, I know)**

**Arty shan't be in this one, children. Nope. This will focus mainly on everyone's favorite LEP Major and his annoying little brother.**

**My Harry Potter story has over a hundred reviews, and I seem to randomly get more when I least expect it. So far, this story has 19. HP: Around 22 chapters, AF: 7 (8, if you count this one), if I remember correctly. But, as I write this, the Artemis Fowl category has 1771 stories, including my own, and the Harry Potter category has 249,155. You tell me which is more popular. Well, Arty will show that bastard Harry what's up, with his Emo-kid angst and bloody wrists and horrible music and fashion sense. …And that's my rant for today… Enjoy.**

Grub Kelp sat in his cubicle putting off some rather unimportant paperwork, muttering to himself in a rather Gollum-esque way. Yes, it seemed his older brother was always better than him in someway, what with his wicked cool name and higher position in the LEP hierarchy and slightly larger rabid fangirl following than his own. Grub knew if he thought long and hard enough, he'd eventually come up with something he could best Trouble at, but so far, all he had was a headache and rapidly falling self-esteem.

Well, this was taking too long. Grub wandered away, forever ignoring his meaningless job, to find his brother. As it turned out, Trouble was in his own cubicle or whatever the hell it was that he had as a work station.

"Hey, Trubs!" he said cheerily.

"Trouble." His brother corrected him, without even looking up from his work.

"Erm…Right. Well. I was wondering…What's something you're not very good at?"

Trouble still did not look up from his work. Grub bothered him enough as it was, he didn't really feel like being interviewed at the moment.

"…Why?"

"Cuz, I wanna know…Erm…Because. Because, erm…I admire you lots and lots and I bet there isn't anything you're not good at? Heheh…erm…Yeah."

Trouble, being the amazingly clever elf that he was, knew Grub was just full of crap. Well. You didn't really have to be clever to figure that out, but Trouble knew it nonetheless. But, anything to get rid of his little brother, so, he tried to answer the question with as few words as possible.

"Eh…I've never been much for knitting potholders."

"Really!"

"Uh-huh. Is that all?" Trouble didn't even bother to try and hide his irritation.

"Yup, that's all! Bye, Trubs!"

"TROUBLE! Er…Ugh…" But it was too late, because Grub had already scampered off, feeling immensely clever and proud that his plan had actually worked.

At this moment, Trouble was making a mental note to himself to leave something dead under Grub's pillow **(which is what the author will do to all of you who don't review)**.

At lunch time, Grub did not go to mommy's house and ask her to make him a sandwich. Instead, he went straight to the craft store and bought all the yarn and knitting supplies he could find. When he returned to work, he continued to put off his paperwork and got to knitting the biggest potholder IN THE WORLD (or under it) straight away. When it was time to go home, he collected his supplies and his already growing soon-to-be potholder and left.

He hurried home as fast as his stubby little legs would carry him, and immediately set to work on the potholder again. He worked all night, and for the next week and a half, he continued to bring the potholder to work with him, and take it home every night, until it was big enough to wrap around Butler several times. When his monstrous creation was finished, he brought it to work, and displayed it proudly for all to see.

"KELP! GET THAT HIDEOUS THING OUT OF HERE! THIS IS NOT A CRAFT SHOW!" The commander yelled at him immediately.

Grub's lower lip quivered slightly, and he began to whine.

"But…But…I knitted the world's biggest potholder! All by myself! Trouble can't even knit a normal-sized one! My mommy even said it was real nice, and she knits the best potholders and sweaters and tea-cozies ever!"

At this point in time, Holly had decided to use the sudden commotion as an excuse to put off her own paperwork (Hey, this is beginning to sound like me in English class!) and wandered over to see what Grub was whining about now.

"Wow…You really have no life, do you?"

Grub was on the verge of tears. Why the hell didn't anyone care! He'd worked so hard on the potholder, too…

Foaly chose this moment to trot over and put off his own work as well (HUZZAH for procrastination).

"Ah, there, there. Have a cookie." Foaly chuckled as he produced a cookie from seemingly out of nowhere, and handed it to Grub.

Well…At least he'd gotten something out of this.

Just as he was about to chomp down on the cookie to see if it would magically make all his pain and suffering go away, Trouble Kelp burst through the doors.

"Sorry I'm late, you guys wouldn't believe how hard it was to haul this thing all the way here!"

All eyes turned to Trouble, as he was standing next to an enormous potholder, at least twice as big as Grub's.

"Wow, that's amazing!" Someone cried.

"Sweet Frond, that's AWESOME!" Another person yelled.

Then, all of a sudden, cookies began to rain from out of nowhere upon Trouble and his wonderful potholder.

**Author's Note: This has to be the DUMBEST thing I've ever written…**

**Wait. Scratch that. I'm sure there's dumber. **

If this has been a cartoon instead of a poorly-written fanfic, Grub's wimpy little girly-man jaw would have dropped to the floor. Why was this happening to him? What was wrong with the world? If there was any sort of supernatural entity out there that controlled the universe, it must have been a sadistic bastard that enjoyed watching Grub fail at everything he tried. But hey, who doesn't?

**Er…Yeah. Review, please.**

**Let us all rejoice for Trouble in all his amazing potholder-knitting glory.**


	9. Trouble's Amazing Truffle Adventure

**Trouble's AMAZING Truffle Adventure**

**Yet another chapter in the ongoing Idiotic Short Stories saga. No thanks to you guys. I want some reviews, dammit!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, I just have too much free time.**

**This story was roughly inspired by 'Truffle Loving' by ****Imaginosity**

**WARNING: Absolutely no plot!**

Trouble Kelp sat in his office at LEP headquarters, waiting for yet another chance to show off his amazingness and rub it in Grub's face. Of course, he never had to wait long. He was soon on a shuttle on his way to America on some incredibly important mission. Not just anywhere in America, mind you. The middle of nowhere, in the desert, in southern New Mexico.

Soon, he and his team were on the surface. Surely, they were in the wrong place. He looked around. Nothing but sand, tumbleweeds, and the occasional poisonous reptile. Ah, but off in the distance… He spotted a pool of water. Probably a mirage. But it was something. They made their way toward the optical illusion, because no one was really sure what the hell they were supposed to be doing. Not long after they had set off, Trouble noticed something on the ground. It appeared to be…a chocolate truffle! Surely it would melt in the hot desert sun, but…This truffle seemed to be a magic truffle, as it hadn't melted at all, and it wasn't covered in dust and dirt, as everything was around him.

"Hey, a truffle!" Trouble said, and he tackled it. He tried to wrestle it into submission, but since it was an inanimate object, and about the size of the palm of his hand, there really wasn't much to wrestle with. So, instead, he popped it in his mouth, and continued on.

As they wandered on through the desert, Trouble stumbled upon another truffle. And another. And another. Had the sun not baked his mind by then, he would have known it was a trail of truffles, and possibly a trap, but the New Mexico sun is a cruel thing.

He followed the trail of truffles for what seemed like a few hours, when all of a sudden, a large cage dropped from the sky out of nowhere, and fell right on top of him. As the rest of Retrieval One ran about in circles screaming like little girls, Trouble knew that he was probably going to die.

"Shit. I'm gonna die," He said.

Not quite, as it turned out, but you see, deep in the desert of New Mexico, there lived a 15-year-old Latino boy who was constantly tweaked on caffeine, and had nothing better to do than read Artemis Fowl, day in and day out. Soon, he began plotting. It wasn't really that complicated of a plan. He found a way to get the LEP to send Retrieval One to the surface for a pointless mission, he left a trail of truffles leading to his home (for no one can resist the magical power of chocolate), and he rigged a large metal cage, just big enough for a fairy. This boy was called Danny, and though he wasn't quite an evil genius, he had no life and way too much spare time, and a truly deranged sense of humor.

The rest of Retrieval One soon passed out from dehydration and heat exhaustion, and Trouble sat alone in the cage. He saw someone in the distance, walking towards the cage. At first he thought they must be very far away, but he soon realized that they were a lot closer than he thought, and the person was just very short.

Indeed, it was Danny. If he were just a tiny bit shorter with pointy ears, he probably could have been an elf, with his brown skin and reddish hair.

"Hola!" Danny called.

"You're a sick bastard," Trouble said.

"Aw, you're cute!" Danny cooed, reaching through the cage to pat the elf on the head. "Here, have some more truffles."

"Oooh, truffles!"

"Damn, I can't believe my stupid plan actually worked. Well, let's go to my house. It's bloody hot out here!"

Danny then proceeded to drag the metal cage with his hostage elf inside all the way to his home, through the scorching heat of the southwest sun. When they arrived, Danny dragged the cage through the front door and too his room. His parents sat in the living room doing what they did best (drooling under the hypnotic glow of the TV) and did not inquire as to what their oldest son was up to, because frankly, they didn't really care.

When Trouble finished munching on the truffles he'd been given, he asked Danny, "You've read the books, you say? You _do_ know they'll come for me, right? Like they did for Holly."

"Oh…Shit. I hadn't thought that far. Oh well!"

And with that, Danny freed Trouble from the cage and began to dress him in a little bear suit, as this was the entire reason for capturing him in the first place. Trouble simply wanted to die.

"Aw…LOOK AT THE LITTLE BEAR! WHO'S A CUTE BEAR! WHO'S A CUTE BEAR! YOU ARE! YES, YOU ARE! AWWWWWWWW!" Danny squealed.

"Uh…Right. Can I go now?"

"No! First, you must dance for me!"

"What the hell?"

Danny prodded Trouble with a stick, and Trouble had no choice but to do a sad little bear dance. Luckily, Danny had the attention span of a garden hose, so Trouble didn't have to dance for long.

"Well, that was fun!"

"_Now _can I go?"

"NO! We're not done!"

Trouble groaned, as he was stripped down once again (Oooh, sexy!) and stuffed in a little sailor outfit.

"Dance for me!"

"Again?"

"Si!"

"Gah…Alright." Trouble couldn't disobey a direct order, since he was in a human dwelling.

So, he began to dance a little sailor jig until Danny was satisfied.

"Can I PLEASE go now?" Trouble asked.

"Well…Sure. I'll miss you, though. Will you come back and visit me one day? I'm a very sad, lonely little boy. I'll give you more truffles!"

Trouble considered it. Truffles would be involved. "Oh…Well, sure, I guess," he said.

"Sweeeeet. Here, take a box of truffles for the road," Danny said as he handed Trouble another box of truffles from his extensive collection.

And, with that, Trouble left, with a box of truffles under his arm. He sincerely hoped this was all just some weird nightmare.

**Good Lord that was terrible…But I want reviews nonetheless! GIMME! But don't be too hard on me, I'm aware of how stupid that was…**


	10. The Elaborate Syrup Prank

**The Elaborate Syrup Prank**

**(Because I couldn't think of another name)**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, I just have too much free time and a contact high from hanging out with my Hippie friend. DRUGS ARE BAD, CHILDREN!**

**Note: The author of this fic is a perfect little angel boy and has never done drugs in his life. Unless you count caffeine. In which case, I'm a full-blown addict. But at least it's legal. Some of my friends, on the other hand, are not quite so perfect and angelic.**

**Anywho, this was suggested by Crazy about Insanity. Except the idea was rather vague so this will probably be very short. PRAISE ME! PRAISE MEEEE!**

**That means REVIEW. Me love you long time if you review. –wink-wink-**

Artemis Fowl II sat at the breakfast table prodding his food with a butterknife. Waffles. A little too sweet, for his taste. He preferred the blood of the innocent with a bit of white wine. Or so it was commonly believed.

Juliet chattered happily, "Waffles are like, so much better than pancakes. I mean, they already have little built in syrup traps. **(1) **That is _so _cool."

Syrup, thought Artemis. Sickly sweet with a high viscosity. Surely I could use this to wreak havoc on the free world, and perhaps obtain fabulous riches and worldwide fame. Then I wouldn't have to sell my soul to Satan after all. **(2) **Or, thought the developing teenage boy section of his brain, I could put it in someone's bed and they'd get all sticky.

So, Artemis began plotting. Plotting was something he was exceptionally good at. It also helped that he was evil beyond all reason.

Eventually, he summoned Mulch Diggums. He had Mulch take a bottle of syrup to the Lower Elements, and break into Holly's house. He then spurted **(3)** the contents of the bottle all over Holly's bed sheets, then he covered it up with the blanket. He also rigged up a tiny camera so he and Artemis could watch **(4)** the results of their scheme. Barely resisting the urge to pilfer **(5)** some of Holly's valuables, he left, making sure there was no sign he'd ever been there in the first place.

Holly came home from work that night utterly exhausted. She hadn't gone on any reconnaissance missions, but she had severely beaten Chix with a chair **(6)**, been yelled at by Commander Root, and done a mountain of paperwork. All she wanted to do was climb into bed. So she did.

"Ah…AHHHH, IT'S ALL STICKY!" Holly cried, following up with a long stream of profanity.

Holly dragged herself to the shower, and changed her sheets. She also noticed the tiny camera and stomped it into oblivion. That night, she had wonderful dreams of death and murder and dancing lollipops that serenaded her beneath a magical licorice willow tree.

Artemis tittered childishly as he watched these events take place, up until his camera was destroyed.

"Well, that was amusing!" he said, feeling very satisfied with himself. And then, he couldn't help but wonder if his elaborate prank was really worth it.

"Oh, who cares, I'm rich!" He exclaimed, and went off to bathe himself in money.

**(1) I love to randomly throw in a Mitch Hedburg joke whenever possible. I do it all the time in daily conversations. I truly have no life.**

**(2) Faust.**

**(3) Yes, spurted. I love that word.**

**(4) Little Arty is such a pervert and he doesn't even know it yet.**

**(5) DAMN I LOVE THAT WORD!**

**(6) I have to say it: Any day is a good day when Chix is getting beat up- A Long Way from Sanity, by ****Lugian-Holly Before Swine**

**That's all, folks. I find that, no matter how pointless and random, and, albeit, _stupid_, my fics are, they're still better when I have real inspiration. Unlike that last story. But I've always wanted to dress Trouble in a little bear suit and watch him dance. I don't know why. He's my purdy elf boy.**

**P.S. Did you guys like my little footie-notes? Aren't they oh-so-clever and nifty keen? You know they are. You might as well agree with me.**

**Review! Er…Please.**


	11. Syrup Prank Part 2: Holly's Revenge

**The Elaborate Syrup Prank Part 2: Holly's Revenge**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, I just have too much free time.**

**I believe the general idea for this was given to me by Kimberly. Love her.**

**I think I'm gonna throw Trouble in here, just for the helluvit, cuz he's just too much fun.**

Once upon a time, many miles below the Earth's surface, in a place called Haven city (I'm running out of good intros), Holly Short and Trouble Kelp were walking along the city streets, because, as fate would have it, they both had the day off and there was simply nothing better to do.

"So, anyway," Trouble was saying, "That was when I ripped off the guy's arm and started beating him over the head with it. Got blood all over my favorite boots, too. Really sucked. But, yeah, like I was saying, it was really sick, cuz the arm went all stiff and rigormortificated or whatever, but I still kept beating him with it, right in the face, and I broke his nose in several places, or really, he did it himself, since it was his arm, but anyway, I think his broken nose was the least of his problems…"

"Er…That's great, Trouble," Holly said, desperately trying to change the subject. "Hey! Let's go pet that homeless person over there!"

"Let's feed it truffles!"

Holly and Trouble walked over to where a female elf was staggering about in the street, raving about corn husks. Trouble picked up a stick and poked her with it.

"RAWR!" cried the elf. "I AM KIMBERLY! PRAISE ME! PRAISE MEEEE! I CONTROL YOUR LIMBS!"

"No you don't," said Trouble.

The elf picked up the stick Trouble had poked her with, and stabbed him in the arm with it.

"…Why did you do that?"

"I TOLD YOU I CONTROLLED YOUR LIMBS BUT YOU DID NOT BELIEVETH ME!"

"…You poked me with a stick."

"NAY, I DID NOT! YOU IMAGINED IT WITH YOUR BRAIN OF IMAGINATING!"

"Hey, Trouble, I've got an idea!" Holly said finally.

"Do I even want to know?"

"Well, the other day, Artemis played this mean and kind of pointless prank on me, and maybe if we sick this rabid hobo on him, it would teach him a lesson."

"Why do I have to be a part of this?"

"Because, I…HEY, LOOK OVER THERE!"

Trouble did not look.

"See, look at that, I got you. Now you have to help me or I'll tell everyone at work that you're really gullible."

"I didn't even look!"

"NO TIME TO WASTE, LET'S GO!" Holly ignored Trouble, and proceeded to stuff Kimberly into a plastic sack.

"Won't she suffocate?"

"She's a hobo, who cares?"

Trouble, being the incredibly macho manly-elf that he was, did not share his feelings on hobos at that moment, but if he had been a whiny little wanker like his younger brother, he would have launched into a heart-warming monologue about how hobos were one of the few joys in his life, and how they completely rocked his world and made everything worth it at the end of a hard day at work. But that's another story.

Holly, Trouble, and their hobo prisoner booked two seats on the next shuttle to Tara. Holly and Trouble sat, while Kimberly was stuffed unceremoniously under the seat.

Soon, they were at Fowl Manor, and for some strange reason, someone had placed a mat by the door saying 'Fairies Welcome' in gaudy script. That was pretty muchly an invitation, so they went ahead and walked right in.

Artemis wandered about the house, gloating over various priceless artifacts, as that was what he did when he wasn't plotting or saving the world.

"Hello, Holly. What brings you here? And your…friend?"

"This is Trouble Kelp. And this…" Holly said, preparing to toss the sack containing the rabid hobo elf at Artemis, "Is Kimberly."

The elf leapt from her plastic prison and launched herself at Artemis, clinging to his arm. Artemis didn't flinch, however. He'd had stranger things happen to him.

At that moment, as if on cue, Butler came in and pried the rabid elf off of Artemis with a crowbar.

"Thank you, Butler."

Butler nodded, and went back to one of the sitting rooms that he'd previously occupied, and got back to reading his favorite romance novel. But that, too, is another story.

"Well, crap, that didn't work," Holly said.

So, Holly _mesmerized _Artemis instead.

"_Artemis,_" she said, her voice dripping with _mesmery_ goodness. "_From now until about a quarter past 4, you shall be completely INSANE, just like Kimberly. Do you understand?_"

"Yes."

"…That was easy," remarked Trouble.

"Good, Artemis. Now tell me. How do you feel?" Holly asked.

"I feel…like…I feel…I…I seem to have an insane urge to knit something…like…a POTHOLDER!"

And with that, Artemis wandered off to pilfer some knitting supplies, and begin work on an enormous potholder-to-end-all-potholders, one that would shame even Grub's and Trouble's combined (See 'The Time Grub Beat Trouble…Almost'). And yet again, that's another story.

"That was pointless," Trouble mumbled.

"Yes, I know. Let's go watch."

"I'll bring the truffles!"

**El end-o.**

**You know, I'm perfectly aware that none of my stories make any sense and there is no plot. There isn't supposed to be. And I disagree when you claim that everyone is out of character. Some of them are, true, but it fits with the story, like in Emo Arty. Of course Artemis is out of character, he's a whiny little emo kid. Just like Grub. And Chix, too, probably. Trust me, Chix is emo, he just doesn't know it yet.**

**Review, please!**


	12. Another Story

**Another Story**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, I just have too much free time.**

**A couple of you have suggested ideas in some of your reviews, and as much as I would like to use those ideas, I'm too lazy. I have to force myself to write this. I really need to get off my lazy bum and write some more Harry Potter stories, but I'm totally out of ideas. Good ones, anyway.**

It was just another day at the LEP Headquarters. Holly Short, Lili Frond, Trouble Kelp, and Grub Kelp were all putting off boring paper work in the employee's lounge. What else is new, eh?

Holly was standing by the coffee machine, listening to Lili ramble on about something pointless, stirring her coffee numbly with a little plastic stick. Trouble was sitting on a ratty old couch in the corner, next to Grub who was whining about something as usual. And, as usual, Trouble did not really care.

"You know, Holly, you really should try a little mascara every once in a while. It'll really bring out those pretty eyes of yours," Lili said, batting her perfectly mascara-fied eyelashes.

"Uh-Huh…"

"And why don't you do something with your hair once in a while? There isn't much you can do, I suppose. Why don't you grow it out? Oh, I wanted to ask you, what shampoo do you use? You've got wonderful hair, but it seems a little dry lately. You should try something with extra moisturizer, or maybe a leave-in conditioner. Holly? Holly, are you listening?"

"…What? Er, yeah. Yeah, I'm listening," Holly said, wishing Lili would just shut up.

"Hey, Trubs," Grub said. "What do you do when you break a nail? I just had a manicure the other day, but that last retrieval mission was really rough on my hands, and I broke not one, but TWO of my nails! This is like torture, they're gonna take _forever_ to grow back…"

"Grub, I've never broken a nail before. And if I had, I wouldn't _care_."

"Well, fine. You really should get more sleep, or you wouldn't be so grumpy all the time."

At that moment, the author ran out of inspiration, and Chix walked in. He ignored Trouble and Grub and walked straight over to Holly and Lili.

"Hey, ladies. Wanna see my new cock?"

**Author's Note: I believe I've sunk to a new low.**

Lili stopped in mid-ramble, and looked up excitedly, and Holly accidentally spilled her coffee. She bitch-slapped (I felt like using the word 'bitch') Chix across the face like an enraged pimp (and 'pimp'). At that moment, a startled rooster lept from Chix's trousers.

"CHIX! What the HELL?" Holly exclaimed. Lili stood there, failing to hide the look of severe disappointment on her face.

"Damn, Holly, are you gonna spank me too?"

"_Grow up_, Verbil." Trouble said from the other side of the room. Grub giggled, and immediately received a punch in the arm from his brother.

Just then, Foaly trotted in. "Hey, everyone!" He said. "BeetRoot's gone insane and he's standing on his desk singing worn-out old power ballads from the 80's and playing air guitar!"

"What the hell?" Holly said, for the second time in as many minutes.

"Huh?" Trouble asked, not being able to form a complete sentence in his awe-struck state.

Grub wriggled excitedly. "Really?" He exclaimed.

"Haha. No. I just wanted to see what you all would say. Now, come, Lili! Ride me! Ride me like a pony!"

**Definitely sunk to a new low…**

With that, Lili jumped on Foaly's back, and Foaly galloped off in no particular direction.

Holly and Trouble shared of a look that purely said "What the _hell_?" and Grub sat there looking disappointed.

**This is what happens when I force myself to write something in the wee hours of the morning.**

**Review, please.**


	13. Artemis Goes to the Carnival

**Artemis Fowl Goes to the Carnival**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, I just have too much free time.**

**To EVERYONE whose days I have made slightly better with my pointless fanfiction, I salute you. I love to make you happy, and I love kind reviews. I would have said to everyone who reviewed, but not everyone appreciates my true genius, you know.**

**Anywho, this one is based on a true story, if you take out the names belonging to Eoin Colfer and put in my name and my friends' names. And once again, I'm just gonna toss Trouble in there, because there aren't enough GOOD fanfics with Trouble in them, and though I am not contributing to those, I enjoy writing stories with Trouble in them as more than someone for Holly to play tonsil hockey with.**

Artemis sat in his study, working on his computer, as usual. To say he was working would be as accurate as saying that Hitler would make a good basketball player.

In all actuality, Artemis was busy ordering an enormous crate of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups to be express shipped to his front door. Just as he was finishing up, he heard a frantic hammering on his window. It frightened him, as he was a bit jumpy. He wasn't supposed to have chocolate, and the Reese's Cups were going straight to his personal vault in his room that even his parents didn't know about.

Butler had been sitting in the corner, reading a romance novel hidden behind a copy of Guns & Ammo. As soon as he heard the hammering, he leapt up and hurried to the window.

As it turned out, it was Captain Holly Short and the elf Artemis had briefly met the last time Holly visited (See Holly's Revenge chapter).

Artemis joined Butler at the window.

"Artemis! Let me in, dammit!"

"Why should I? Last time we met, you attacked me with a rabid hobo!"

"Come on, Artemis! We're going to the carnival!"

Carnivals and fairs of any kind made Artemis nervous. He disliked large crowds and noise and general chaos. The clowns disturbed him, the smell was appalling, and though he would never admit it, he was scared of riding anything other than the Merry-Go-Round. And even some of the ponies gave him nightmares.

"Er…I don't think so, Holly."

"Oh, come on, Artemis. This could be fun. You need to get out once in a while. And not for the sole benefit of making money," Butler told him.

"No, I…I have some things I must attend to. Business, you know."

"Come on, we're going."

And with that, Butler hoisted Artemis over his shoulder and carried him outside.

They all drove to the local fairgrounds, where the carnival was being held.

"Aren't you breaking pretty much every rule in The Book by doing this, Holly?"

"Oh, you _are _a genius, Fowl," Holly said sarcastically. "Why do you think I'm dressed like this?" she said, gesturing towards her outfit, which Artemis noticed for the first time. It was a pink little dress-type thing, with baby blue tights and a matching blouse underneath, with tiny Mary Jane dress shoes. Something a little girl would wear.

Trouble looked just about as ridiculous, wearing jeans and Converse sneakers, and a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles T-shirt. He didn't feel too happy about it.

"Does the commander know about this?" Artemis asked.

"You know what?" Holly said. "Why don't you just worry about holding on to your lunch?"

**Ack… I've been putting off finishing this since the beginning of summer. I'll let it die for now. I need to finish this, and write some new HP fics, but I'm too damn lazy. And out of inspiration. I'll write a second part to this. One day.**

**Tell me what you think for now. In other words…Review, please.**


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